I think we all have irrational fears in life. The world is a scary place, and there are some things that are really really scary out there. But I am not talking about the actual scary things... I am talking about the irrational things we are scared of.
Irrational fear of ......flying because you might crash... yet your chances of being killed in a car accident are much higher.
Irrational fear of..... getting old.... because you know, who wants to get old?
Irrational fear of..... Porto potties.... because it's scary to think, who was in there before you... what are you sitting over? What if someone tips this thing? (seriously gross...)
Irrational fear of.... lakes or oceans.... Ok this might not be as irrational, I mean seriously how are you supposed to know what is swimming around you, what is your foot really touching, what just brushed up against your leg. AHHHHH I am getting nervous just thinking about it.
Irrational fear of... Clowns/ Dolls.... I know a lot of people with this fear. I personally don't have it. But some people are very very scared of clowns.
Irrational fear of....snakes coming up the toilet..... No joke, I saw a video once of a snake coming up the toilet pipe and into the bowl... it's scared me for life. Every time I sit down I have an tiny panic attack that something might come up while I am sitting there!
Ok Ok I am sure you get the point. I am sure you've thought of things that you are irrationally fearful of. It's funny the way our mind works, what is a big deal to one person is not to the next person. What scares me, my husband probably thinks is funny. It's very interesting.
Now I am going to tell you a secret... an irrational fear that I have. Seriously... I realize it's irrational I know this. I talk to myself about it all the time.
I have a irrational fear of having children..... because of all the "what ifs"....
I know I know it's crazy. First off... I am NOT pregnant. Trust me. I am not.
But I do think about the "someday" when Carl and I will hopefully have a child or children. It's scary to think you bring this life into the world, and suddenly it's all on you. You have this incredible impact on how they turn out. And I realize there are things out of your control. But still!! You have this impact, everyday!! everyday! And I think about my parents, who are amazing! Seriously amazing... then I start to think of all the what ifs...
What if I am not a good mom?
What if I think my baby is ugly?
What if my baby IS ugly?
Would anyone tell me if my baby was ugly?
What if my child has a learning disability?
What if my child has a developmental disability?
What if my baby is a genius?
What if my child is smarter than I am?
What if my teenager is a rebel?
What if my teenager does drugs?
What if my child gets in with the bad group?
What if my child is talented at something and it costs a lot of money to support?
If I work after I have kids will I be ruining their lives?
If I stay home after I have kids will I shelter them too much?
Will I be the protective momma bear or allusive mother?
What if my child grows up to hate me?
What if my child gets sick?
What if my child dies?
What if my child likes Carl more than me?
What if my teenager has sex?
What if my teenager gets pregnant?
What if my child becomes the President of the United States?
What if my child has differing beliefs than me?
What if my child doesn't believe in Jesus?
What if my child rejects God?
..... What if!!
And more so... I think about my niece and nephew who are seriously the cutest kids in the entire world. I have so much love for those two little babies I have no idea how to even describe it. Seriously, I had no idea how much love I would feel for them, and now they are here on Earth and my heart bursts with joy and love. When they reach milestones I feel like I am their mom I am so proud of them. What if I don't love my kids that much? What if my kids aren't as smart or cute as their cousins? What if I don't feel the same heart bursting at the seems love for them?
Let me put a cautionary thing here: Please don't judge me about this irrational fear I have. I have an amazing Heavenly Father who I know is watching out for Carl and I. I know he plans our steps, and I know whatever child/children we have we will be able to handle. But I still think these things, I still worry. Because I am human, and I cannot change that. But I put my faith in God that when the time is right for us to have a child/ or children it will turn out the way it is supposed to... and we will lean on God for guidance on how to parent our children. '
I know a lot of the fears I wrote down sound stupid and crazy.And a lot of them are vain, about the looks of my child. But it's like I am already protective of the children I don't have. I don't want to bring a child into this world and then watch them get hurt. Watch them struggle. Watch them be different. But it is things I think about it. And you know what? I cannot change any of them. My irrational fear is over the uncontroable. If my child ends up being any of those things I listed I know that God will give me the strength to be the mother I need to be in any of those situations. What ever life gives us I will lean on God.
What I am trying to say in this post is that... just through the thought of having a child I think these things and it's like I start to become overly protective of a child that I don't even have yet. I don't want them to see the bad in this world. I don't want them to experience the bad in this world. But thinking about this also makes me think of all the parents I know out in the how maybe you've had these fears at some point in life, and you have or are raising beautiful loving children. Regardless of their situation, controllable or not, you have these amazing children. I am thankful for the great examples in parenting that Carl and I have in our lives. I pray we live up to these examples. But I can't help but worry sometimes. My irrational fear may not be something anyone else thinks about, and it's not something I let keep me up all night. But it is something I think about, and it is something that I pray about. Not that my child wouldn't face any adversity, but that I would be the parent I need to be in any situation.
I hope this post didn't offend anyone. I just wanted to get it out... I'd love to hear your opinon on this, unless it's rude, than please keep it to yourself.