Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Gift that keeps on giving...

I am really blessed with such an amazing husband.

Marriage is a funny thing, one day you go from this life of living alone, sleeping alone, doing your stuff alone. I mean, even with dating, the majority of your life you are handling on your own. Then you get married, and you go from alone to together. You wake up next to this person, you sleep next to this person, you shop for two, you cook for two, you clean for two. You think for two. Daily decisions don't just effect you, they affect both of you.

But it's more than that. It's this immense feeling of your other half. I miss him when I am at work, even though I just left him at home. Even when I want alone time, or to do my own thing, I want him close by. It's interesting, this paradox of wanting both and yet trying to fulfill it all. I don't know if I am making sense.

What I want to say is, I have an amazing husband. A husband who is consistantly there for me, consistantly doing things for me. He cooks, he cleans, he puts me first. He loves me enough to do my laundry. He loves me enough to put a crock pot meal in before he leaves to work the late shift. He does our bills, he fixes the hole in the wall, he paints the dining room, he sets up meetings with the carpet guy, he put the molding up in the kitchen. He is amazing. He gives and gives and gives. I am so blessed.

God has given me this extreme gift. A gift that keeps on giving. Tomorrow we will married for 5 months. That is an insane though. 5 months. Where have they gone? Didn't we just get married yesterday? I am thankful for these 5 months. Everyday isn't some perfect dream... but everyday I love him more. Everyday I learn more about him, I learn more from him and he pushes me to be a better person. He puts up with me when I am sick. He puts up with the fact that when I am not feeling good it isn't always something he can see. He can't see my migraine, and sometimes it would appear that it doesn't affect me, and other times it's completely opposite. But he deals with me. He is there for me even when he doesn't understand.

He puts up with me complaining about his work schedule, even though it's nothing he can control. He can't control that almost all winter he's been working the late shift (1-10pm).... and he works hard. He works hard for our family. To provide for me. To provide for us. Regardless of his shift. And truthfully he works a lot of extra shifts, overtime, whatever he needs to do. Even if it's just to have some extra money, or to get me a chance to visit my parents. My husband is an amazing hard working husband. He is a loving, giving man. Not just to me but to those around us. To his family. He would do whatever he could to help out a friend in need. He's done so much to help out, and see his mom since her accident. He is such a giving man. I cannot tell you how blessed I am.

I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I look forward to living, breathing, taking in this blessing for many, many, many years to come. I don't expect them to be perfect, but I do know that I will continue to love him, because God has given me an amazing gift.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Irrational Fears....

I think we all have irrational fears in life. The world is a scary place, and there are some things that are really really scary out there. But I am not talking about the actual scary things... I am talking about the irrational things we are scared of.

Irrational fear of ......flying because you might crash... yet your chances of being killed in a car accident are much higher.

Irrational fear of..... getting old.... because you know, who wants to get old?

Irrational fear of..... Porto potties.... because it's scary to think, who was in there before you... what are you sitting over? What if someone tips this thing? (seriously gross...)

Irrational fear of.... lakes or oceans.... Ok this might not be as irrational, I mean seriously how are you supposed to know what is swimming around you, what is your foot really touching, what just brushed up against your leg. AHHHHH I am getting nervous just thinking about it.

Irrational fear of...  Clowns/ Dolls.... I know a lot of people with this fear. I personally don't have it. But some people are very very scared of clowns.

Irrational fear of....snakes coming up the toilet..... No joke, I saw a video once of a snake coming up the toilet pipe and into the bowl... it's scared me for life. Every time I sit down I have an tiny panic attack that something might come up while I am sitting there!

Ok Ok I am sure you get the point. I am sure you've thought of things that you are irrationally fearful of. It's funny the way our mind works, what is a big deal to one person is not to the next person. What scares me, my husband probably thinks is funny. It's very interesting.

Now I am going to tell you a secret... an irrational fear that I have. Seriously... I realize it's irrational I know this. I talk to myself about it all the time.

I have a irrational fear of having children..... because of all the "what ifs"....

I know I know it's crazy. First off... I am NOT pregnant. Trust me. I am not.

But I do think about the "someday" when Carl and I will hopefully have a child or children. It's scary to think you bring this life into the world, and suddenly it's all on you. You have this incredible impact on how they turn out. And I realize there are things out of your control. But still!! You have this impact, everyday!! everyday! And I think about my parents, who are amazing! Seriously amazing... then I start to think of all the what ifs...

What if I am not a good mom?
What if I think my baby is ugly?
What if my baby IS ugly?
Would anyone tell me if my baby was ugly?
What if my child has a learning disability?
What if my child has a developmental disability?
What if my baby is a genius?
What if my child is smarter than I am?
What if my teenager is a rebel?
What if my teenager does drugs?
What if my child gets in with the bad group?
What if my child is talented at something and it costs a lot of money to support?
If I work after I have kids will I be ruining their lives?
If I stay home after I have kids will I shelter them too much?
Will I be the protective momma bear or allusive mother?
What if my child grows up to hate me?
What if my child gets sick?
What if my child dies?
What if my child likes Carl more than me?
What if my teenager has sex?
What if my teenager gets pregnant?
What if my child becomes the President of the United States?
What if my child has differing beliefs than me?
What if my child doesn't believe in Jesus?
What if my child rejects God?

..... What if!!

And more so... I think about my niece and nephew who are seriously the cutest kids in the entire world. I have so much love for those two little babies I have no idea how to even describe it. Seriously, I had no idea how much love I would feel for them, and now they are here on Earth and my heart bursts with joy and love. When they reach milestones I feel like I am their mom I am so proud of them. What if I don't love my kids that much? What if my kids aren't as smart or cute as their cousins? What if I don't feel the same heart bursting at the seems love for them?

Let me put a cautionary thing here: Please don't judge me about this irrational fear I have. I have an amazing Heavenly Father who I know is watching out for Carl and I. I know he plans our steps, and I know whatever child/children we have we will be able to handle. But I still think these things, I still worry. Because I am human, and I cannot change that. But I put my faith in God that when the time is right for us to have a child/ or children it will turn out the way it is supposed to... and we will lean on God for guidance on how to parent our children. '

I know a lot of the fears I wrote down sound stupid and crazy.And a lot of them are vain, about the looks of my child. But it's like I am already protective of the children I don't have. I don't want to bring a child into this world and then watch them get hurt. Watch them struggle. Watch them be different.  But it is things I think about it. And you know what? I cannot change any of them. My irrational fear is over the uncontroable. If my child ends up being any of those things I listed I know that God will give me the strength to be the mother I need to be in any of those situations. What ever life gives us I will lean on God.

What I am trying to say in this post is that... just through the thought of having a child I think these things and it's like I start to become overly protective of a child that I don't even have yet. I don't want them to see the bad in this world. I don't want them to experience the bad in this world. But thinking about this also makes me think of all the parents I know out in the how maybe you've had these fears at some point in life, and you have or are raising beautiful loving children. Regardless of their situation, controllable or not, you have these amazing children. I am thankful for the great examples in parenting that Carl and I have in our lives. I pray we live up to these examples. But I can't help but worry sometimes. My irrational fear may not be something anyone else thinks about, and it's not something I let keep me up all night. But it is something I think about, and it is something that I pray about. Not that my child wouldn't face any adversity, but that I would be the parent I need to be in any situation.

I hope this post didn't offend anyone. I just wanted to get it out... I'd love to hear your opinon on this, unless it's rude, than please keep it to yourself.

Monday, March 21, 2011

85 or 24?

             My body thinks it's 85. No really... it does. It's humorous...sometimes. I have seen more doctors than I care to admit. I am on a first name basis with my primary care doctor, her nurses, the lab techs at her office, and even most of the secretaries. No I am not kidding. I have to admit, although I enjoy my friendships with them, I'd give it up for some good healthy days.

            Mostly I go for my migraines, trying to find new preventative measures, better things to get rid of the pain, etc. But for the past couple of months I've been going for this pain that I have had in my right hip for over a year. A lot of people, doctors etc. kept telling me that it was in my lower back and not my hip. I have seen 3 doctors and 1 physical therapist (who quit on me and told me she thought I might need surgery) and did not notice a  change in my pain, regardless of the stretches, exercises or medication they gave me.

            It is terrible pain when I lay down, so bad i can't usually move my right leg. It's excruciating to get up from a laying position. Sitting for long periods can aggravate it, sitting on the floor always makes it worse. It's so frustrating to be in this much pain, all the time and have no one have answers for you. I mean I cannot be the first person in the world to experience this pain, and these doctors see people all the time. I even saw a hip specialist! She thought it was soft tissue damage, put some pain patches on it and it will get better.

               So today I started with a new physical therapist in compliance with what the hip dr. wanted. She wanted me to strengthen the muscles and the soft tissue would get better too (or something like that.) I met my new physical therapist, and her student teacher this morning, and seriously these two people quickly became my favoriate people in the world.

               I met with them for maybe 10 minutes and they figured out my problem!! It will take a few weeks to get to a point without so much pain, but they figured out my problem!!! Some how throughout all the doctors I saw, and the physical therapist, no one had checked to make sure my hips are aligned.

            When your hips are aligned they can push on your hip/ pelvic bones on your back and your hands will be straight across and equal... pretty simple. Well guess what, my hips are not aligned... when they did that test, their left hand was at one place, and their right was further down. Quite a bit futher down. As they continued to do their test they found that I have.. Posterior Pelvic Tilt... on the right side hip/pelivic bone it tilts down in the back, up in the front. This is causing a pinching of nerves, among other issues. It is also making my right leg shorter than my left...! What!!

(picture credit

I am the one on the right. The anterior tilt is much more common than the posterior (but why would I be common...???) And obviously the middle one is normal, which we know I am not.

                I thought for sure that putting it back in place would be a couple of weeks, I was even doubtful it was something they could do in the office.... I was wrong. They put it back in place today, in the office. Man it hurt, it was not fun at all.
                Now I have a couple weeks or more of working my self up so the muscles around there tighten up into the direction they are supposed to be and hold it at the right tilt. There is a possibility it will go back to the posterior tilt one more time or more because it's a year that it's been stuck like that. So it will take some time to retrain it. I am not looking forward to putting it back in to place again, therefore I am trying to be very careful, follow their restrictions very closely and do the therapy exercises they gave me.

              Again.. I am 24... what in the world. I will admit though, there is nothing better than finally having an answer to somethng that is wrong. It's nice to not feel crazy. It's nice to understand that you aren't crazy. It's nice to realize what you are going through isn't normal. Now I just get to deal with my 84 year old body. So heres to sticking to my restrictions and keeping that hip where it belongs!! Yay for good recovery and change. Now if they could just figure out my thyroid, my migraines.... etc etc etc. :) But for now... I'll keep pushing on. Thanks for reading, my boring tale of my issues, but seriously I am so excited to have some answers.

              Oh and since this blog is about being a newlywed and married life... umm Honey, they told me that they'd prefere I didn't walk up and down the stairs for a while.... can you continue to do the laundry... Thanks! (Sadly this won't be a change since you've been doing it lately. Bad wife) Haha but really, my husband is amazing and supportive. I know he looks forward to me feeling better, and probably looks forward to not waking up to an old lady who has a hard time getting out of bed. But I appreciate his support. I also think he enjoys telling me my hips don't lie... ha.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Slowly, Slowly, It all comes together

Slowly Slowly our home is coming together. Today I have the promised pictures!
 Our project from today! I love love love it!
 Living room looking in from the front door. In those in lays, we are planning on putting in some built in book shelves. It's in the plans.
 Living room from the dining room/office.
 Dining room from living room, kitchen in the background. That black table and chair is not staying, just needs to be brought into the basement.
 Another angle of our new picture wall.
 The other side of the dining room/office.
 Kitchen view from dining room.
 Our chalkboard doors in the kitchen. We love them. There is still artwork from the fall up there, we need Beth to come over and draw something new. This will be awesome when we have kids someday. The kids can draw on the chalkboard while I cook dinner.
 Kitchen table and backdoor.
 Looking the other way through the kitchen.
 Again that black table needs to go.
 Our guest room! Need to move the sewing machine downstairs too.
Our bedroom. Still needs work, but you know, small steps. Slowly slowly it all comes together.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Colorful...Turning a House into a Home.

There used to be a show on when my brothers were little....littler, around when they were 2 or 3 called Rollie Pollie Ollie. I don't know if this show is still on but I remember watching it and thinking what a cool house they lived in, it was so colorful! So... realistically, it was not a pretty house, it was out of control. Too many colors, too many patterns, too much in general.

BUT, I have always liked color, pattern, uniqueness. Luckily I've married a man who trusts me with decorating decisions. When I told him I wanted to paint the front room yellow he did even blink. When we started painting the front room yellow and it looked like a lime yellowish green... he still trusted my opinion. When the paint dried and looked like a rich sunflower, I think he was relieved (that it didn't stay that other awful color). I painted the kitchen a ... 1950's Chevy Blue. It's great. I love it. Carl didn't complain about the color, even though I didn't ask his opinion and painted that room while he was gone hiking the Grand Canyon.

Slowly our house is coming together. Slowly things are fitting in their place. Slowly things are taking on their style. Slowly I am falling in love with it all. We accented the front yellow room with red and brown. I love it. The kitchen is bright fresh colors, blue, and white. With a nice black fridge. I love it.

The problem is in between these rooms is our... dinning room/office/walk through room. You can see this room fully from the kitchen, and the living room. You have to walk through it to get to either. It's very visible. So the problem was coming up with the color for this room. I was very anxious to paint it, to choose the color, to get started on decorating, putting things on the walls. Making it more homey. But I couldn't quite decide.

Finally, finally I chose. I chose brown. It goes well with the yellow, and the blue. It ties the room all together. It ties all three rooms together nicely. We've painted one wall a solid dark brown. The other three walls have dark brown on the bottom with light brown on top, we will put a chair rail in the center. I love it.
I love that I have a husband who spent his whole day before work today painting the dinning room. Moving his desk around. Moving things around. He finished painting that whole room for me. What a great man. What a great man who helps me put my ideas into place. What a great man who helps me make our house into our home. I know it's a lot of change for him. But I love our home. I love what it's turning into.

And someday... I'll upload pictures. Someday.

P.S. I do realize that the rollie pollie ollie thing is ridiculous. :) Don't worry.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Year? Three Weeks?

What a difference a year makes. One year ago yesterday I was finding out news that I never even imagined I would hear. I remember exactly what happened, I remember the phone call vividly. I remember where I was, who I saw directly afterwards. I remember how much where i work stepped up to the plate and helped me get a plane ticket out of Cleveland immediately.

One year ago yesterday we found out my mom had cancer. Cancer. It's crazy to think about still today. How could this brilliant, young, beautiful person have cancer. How could she have such a serious cancer. What are we looking at here. How are we going to deal with it all.

And now, one year later we are sitting here with her 6 months off of Chemotherapy. A year ( a little less) away from her surgery. In the past year she has taken many medications, many shots, many IV's. They have pumped her body full of poison. They have cut her open, and sewed her back up. What a difference a year makes.

My Mom is my hero. Undoubtedly. She has been a completely amazing example throughout this entire ordeal. I am so excited that she is a year out. She had some tests run last week to check her current status, see where her levels are at. We will find out those results later this week. I will continue to pray, as I hope you do for good results.

As she keeps walking down this road, I will stand back in complete amazement of her strength, her courage, her faith.

It's been 3 weeks since Carl's Moms accident. 3 weeks of painful recovery, of surgery, of swelling and pain medication. On Friday of this week she was finally able to have her surgery on her right leg. Hopefully now we will be moving toward rehab and more recovery. Moving toward rebuilding strength, the ability to use her legs, the ability to use her hand. Things we take for granted everyday.

Although she still has a long road of recovery ahead of her it is nice to be past the surgery and continually moving forward.  She is another example to us of an amazing woman who is dealing with more than we ourselves could imagine.

Carl and I certainly have good examples in our lives. Good examples of what it means to follow God and his plan even when it doesn't make sense to us. To have faith in a faithless word. To be strong when you have no strength.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Heaps and Piles. Heaps and Piles.

Do you ever notice that the things around your house that need to get done turn into heaps and piles? Seriously every time I turn around there is a new heap, a new pile. A new pile of mail. A new heap of Laundry. A new pile of dishes. A new heap of groceries. A new pile of trash. A new heap of bedding. A new pile of ... well you get the picture.

Being a newlywed there are certain things you have to figure out. It's amazing how much two people living together can be so different than one person living somewhere. I feel like Carl and I have a pretty good take on who does what stuff around the house. Although we are very different in how and when we do it. We do pretty good. But the two things that seem to always be in heaps and piles are Laundry and Dishes.

Seriously every time I turn around the sink is full of dishes AGAIN. Didn't I just start the dishwasher? Is someone playing a joke on me. How do two people go through so many dishes??? I do think in part it's because we are both working full time, with other commitments throughout the week, so stuff does just tend to pile up. I mean not to complain, but I am TIRED when I get home from work. That is partially due to the long drive I've added to my work day. So dishes, seriously, give me a break. Maybe I can convince my husband to stop eating? No probably not. And really we go through far more cups than we do plates. We drink a lot. A lot of juice, milk and water that is.

As for Laundry, this one is just plain and simple because I dislike doing it. I dislike folding. A lot. And yet I don't like things to come out of the dryer without being immediately folded. So it's a conundrum. I will admit most honestly that my husband is far better at remembering to do laundry than me. Part is that he wears a uniform to work everyday, so each week those pieces need to be cleaned. Where as... I can kind of throw outfits together. And you know... I have plenty of clothes to throw together! (Shh don't tell him I admitted that). I can't wait for my mom to come out this summer and help me go through all my clothes and just get rid of stuff. She is great at that.

The funny thing about laundry is that it really is never ending. There is always something to wash. Unless we start going naked around our house (which will not happen). But beyond clothes there are the towels, the sheets, the kitchen washcloths.... the never ending heaps and piles.

I am grateful that I have a husband who is willing to help with the laundry. Who took the time to organize our basement to be more laundry friendly. Who gave me space to fold and put laundry before we bring it upstairs. Who keeps some of his clothes downstairs so he doesn't wake me up in the morning when he gets ready for work.  He really is pretty great.

Now if I could just find the little gremlins that are running around our house continuously adding to our heaps and piles, there is no way it could just be us....right?

Monday, March 7, 2011

My Husbands other "Significant Other"

I like to believe that I hold a special place in my husbands heart and his life. I am his wife. I do get to spend eternity with him. So you know, that counts for something.

I help him with the chores around the house (although admittedly he is better at consistently remembering to do the laundry whereas I forgot it down there... oops.) I make him dinner (a lot of the time). I clean his bathroom (that deserves an award after 4 boys lived in that house, can you say disgusting?). I make sure our sheets get washed every two weeks, if not every week. I make sure that he has what he needs for the week. And he really takes care of me too. He is the best.

But I've noticed lately, that he has another significant other. Yes, you read that right. There is something in his life that is pretty comparable to how important I am to him.

As his wife it was slightly confusing at first. Then I went through all the stages of grief. Denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, depression and loneliness. I am now to the point of acceptance.

You see this other thing is important to my husband, and I support that. And occasionally those two let me into their secret club, and I feel cool.

You see, our dog Harley, he is my husbands other significant other. I don't believe the two of them can live without each other.

Harley sleeps with us at night (truth be told, that was my doing not my husband). But given the choice to sleep next to me or my hubby, he chooses the hubby every time. He also would choose to sleep in between us first and foremost, trying to separate us! Harley cries when Carl leaves the house. Literally. Cries. He will stand at the back door and whine and whine. If he thinks Carl has gone into the backyard or garage without him, he will whine until I let him out to be with Carl. It doesn't matter that I am still in the house, it matters that Carl left. When Carl leaves for work in the morning, it breaks his little heart.

Lately on the weekends we have been taking Harley with us when we go places because he is home alone a lot during the week. If Carl gets out of the car before I do, Harley freaks out. Although Harley sits on my lap while we drive, it's only because he is not allowed to sit on the drivers lap. He has a 6th sense about when we are getting close to where we are going, he will start to whine and immediately jump in Carls lap the minuet the car is in park.
Don't be fooled. Harley may be in love with my husband, but my husband is also in love with that Dog. They are two peas in a pod. Inseparable. Although we occasionally disagree about who should get up to let the dog out in the middle of the night, Carl still loves that dog like there is no tomorrow.

So now you know our secret, my husbands significant other. They are pretty cute together though.